Valentine’s Day and the Gift of Self-Compassion

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Valentine’s Day can remind us to not only share love with others, but also to slow down and show ourselves love through self-compassion. Simply defined, self-compassion means treating yourself with the same love and kindness you would offer a close friend. It’s about being kind to yourself and silencing your inner critic.

It feels a bit ironic that I’m writing about self-compassion, because it’s one of the hardest- and most important- skills that I learned in treatment. When I first entered treatment, I was my biggest enemy; constantly tearing myself down for every shortcoming I could find. When we started learning about self-compassion in group, I resisted it. I believed that it was not only unattainable, but that it was also wrong.

Culture often contradicts the philosophy of self-compassion. We’re frequently taught, either implicitly or explicitly,  to “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” and “tough it out”. I thought that practicing self-compassion would lead to self-indulgence, self-pride, and would cause complacency. Many of my peers in treatment shared the same struggle and we found that we believed that if we didn’t push ourselves by lecturing to ourselves/being unkind to ourselves, how would we ever change?  But what we learned is that self-compassion isn’t about avoiding growth; it’s about working with yourself, not against yourself. One of my favorite quotes is from Carl Rogers and it really captures this: “The curious paradox is: that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” When you practice self-compassion by being kind to yourself, you become more motivated and open to personal growth.

I met some of the most incredible people in treatment who left a lasting imprint on my life. The most remarkable thing was the grace and acceptance we offered each other- no matter our pasts, our struggles, or our differing world views. This completely changed my outlook on self-compassion. If these people, who had known me for only a few weeks but knew my deepest fears and insecurities, could treat me with such acceptance and compassion, then maybe I was worthy of extending that same compassion to myself.

The practice of self-compassion has radically changed my life and has been instrumental in my recovery. I am more confident, and I trust myself, because I know I can always rely on my own kindness. I’m no longer my biggest enemy and I no longer purposely work against myself. I try to use self-compassion when I’m coping with imperfection- like when I don’t perform well on an exam, when I’m struggling with self-doubt, or when navigating challenging relationships. One of my favorite quotes from Kristen Neff, a pioneer in self-compassion, sums this up perfectly: “At times when I thought I couldn’t cope a moment longer, self-compassion got me through”.

Whether you are celebrating this Valentine’s Day with a partner, friends, or on your own, remember to celebrate yourself today, also. Honor, nurture, and treat yourself with the compassion you deserve.

If you are interested in learning more about self-compassion, I recommend the book “Self-Compassion” by Kristen Neff, as well as trying a loving kindness meditation that can be found here.